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Without a doubt a tale of an in depth pal of mine named furious Vagina. One sexually discouraged day, she chooses to join a mobile relationship app against her much better wisdom. Dared to participate by a Penis Custodian buddy of hers (technically maybe not bangable because of “nobody’s drilling company”) she’s not able to resist the process so starts herself extensively and blissfully towards the options.

Thus we start the tale associated with legendary furious V as she downloads the software onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone 4, placing her 6 best images including a star headlining picture as showcased below.

Given small space to articulate the woman wonder, she’s subsequently motivated to condense the woman unbelievable biography into some boner-inducing traces and completes her profile to perfection. And almost like secret, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for examination right away appear on her feed.

Per matchmaking app rules, furious Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen tends to make this lady dried out as an article of sandpaper or elsewhere disgusts the girl. As an alternative she must swipe appropriate if she desires use brand new shaft under consideration.

Below we have the privilege of observing her stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through influx of moping scarecrows together new iphone.


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes left)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that guy? Possibly. Umm.

Recalling the important fairy stories of her childhood, Angry Vagina instantly feels bad for being very low and gives more soul to her “swipage” as she continues her search for Prince Charming.


Behold! me personally is new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. I hath spoken.

(furious V therefore reinvents the fairy tale internet dating narrative, but this time in form of

Rapunzel

. Equipped with boner instead of sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon in order to buy pricey iphone. He today climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic tresses, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, upset V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong sound . . .)


Brief guy near small dog. Pretends getting large.

(Swipes left)


Bicycle man really loves spandex. Testicle not large enough. Please mount bicycle in the place of girl.

(Swipes remaining)


Wealth listed in profile. Congratulations! Buy thyself plastic vagina.

(Swipes remaining)


Too-young. Like kid. Premature spooge likely.

(Swipes remaining.)


Exactly why so bald always?

(Swipes kept)


“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed dudes permitted.

(Swipes left)


Cat hater?!

(Swipes kept, punches phone-in face, inserts profile photo of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(ongoing as if hooked.)


Computer software engineer pretending to be interesting rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)


Nice abs. Avoid butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes kept)


Continuously beard. Face forest outcompete outdated growth forest of crazy Vagina.

(Swipes kept)


Gym selfies merely? Just how ’bout knob pushups.

(Swipes remaining)


Oooooh! some body is actually hat lover. Must be addressing bald place.

(Swipes remaining)


You are living WHEREIN? Or is that where you park the car . . .

(Swipes kept)



Wow you love activities? Fascinating. Certainly type. Time for you to delete matchmaking application to get hitched.

(Swipes kept)



You want to SEXT? Where is center finger emoji . . .

(Swipes kept)


Shows himself in photograph near to sexier man. Dumbass.

(Swipes left)


States end up being bold but is a personal trainer.

(Swipes remaining)


Children? Lady boner lifeless.

(Swipes remaining)


Noted as “director” on profile. Of just what? Angry Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes kept)


No account details. Hail to 1 photo of acne-prone epidermis. I want to go on and place legs open for your family now.

(Swipes left)


Pleased vegan with picture of alive cucumber. Manhood likely shriveled and starving for necessary protein. We’ll just take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)


Whaaaat. Today they may be offering myself women. Swiping remaining too quickly?

(Swipes kept more slowly)

(furious Vagina takes split to get hold of best friend “Nongay Wife” for nostalgic words via book.)

“Nongay Wife, i will be top the selected folks (otherwise known as Kitteh) through wilderness like Moses. Searching to find h2o or manhood Custodian. I actually do perhaps not know if i shall endure. Please deliver help.”

(Waits for reply and goes on journey.)


Oh no! Swiped correct accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unsightly man believes they are liked. Fuuuuuck.

(brand new motivation.)

Left-swipage is gradually killing spirit. Must make use of self-swipage for curing . . .

(Angry Vagina requires impromptu break. Wasn’t prepared to go back to penis wilderness anyway.)

(small while later, straight back on cellphone software like lab pet.)


Trump promoter. Form of sweet. Can’t. Try To Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes kept)


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Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes left)


President of anything? The amount of unemployed men are there any?

(Swipes kept)



Yes! Long hair good. Lady-boner claims hi.

(Swipes right)


Tresses long. Homeless man.

(Swipes remaining)



Scholar. Impoverishment deadly to ladyboner. . . must swipe before far too late . . .

(Swipes left)


Looks 8 months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes remaining)


Cluster shot with women! Attempting to encourage me personally they prefer you.

(Swipes left)


Freelance hot man. Will not bang you in parents’ basement.

(Swipes kept)



A lot of razor-sharp teeth. May also have pointy knob. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)


Convinced each picture on your profile is of different man. Resentful Vagina is puzzled.

(Swipes left)


Crazy smiley face. Looks also delighted. Most likely serial killer.

(Swipes remaining)


Hot man fantastic body. Boring personality and work. Swipe left, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)


Over 40 never hitched. Depressed self-centered man. 50-50 if good in sack. Meh.

(Swipes left)


Thanks for revealing level. I am aware everything i must know. Bless you.

(Swipes kept)


Oh no! Mobile dying! Must swipe kept! Must. Reject. More. Mushroom-head-

And just that way, furious Vagina needs to call-it quits for the day until a cell phone charger can be seen. Simply for now.

In theory, the pushed recovery time enables new shaft prospects the opportunity to swipe directly on her profile now, indicating their own delusional wish of banging the lady. The majority of will never matter. Nevertheless when her very own picked “right-swipes” return the support, also referred to as the “mutual match”, the plot thickens.


Persistence, Furious V, Persistence.



Getting continued . . .

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